Most of these late Winter days have been spent at home dreaming of what I could do next, what projects I can land, how can I tweak my job to be better, what big risks am I going to take? I like to push my own limits. While most times a busy, high-pressure schedule is somewhat satisfying to me, I equally crave finding contentment. Or at least maybe finding a balance of the two.
I have an amazing husband that has given me the freedom to take on most anything I dream of, 2 beautiful kiddos, our health, a home that protects us, and a large, blended family that is my biggest support system. If God told me today "this is it" I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I am very understanding that not everyone has this life, so is it selfish to pray for more?
Most times I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt or even scared to ask God for the things that are really on my heart because I should be content with this life I live, right? But over the past few months I have really thought deep on this topic, and the longer I continue on this journey, the more I discover who I am becoming.
There is a difference between not being content and just when my creativity runs dry. To me that feels like the boredom of normalcy, the numbness of mediocrity. Some of us need something big enough to challenge us and excite us enough to get out of bed every morning. When we don't have that, we start devouring ourselves. I've come to realize that I need something to lay hold on, to pray about, to wrestle with, to push my faith, maybe even something that keeps me up at night and makes me a lil' nervous. This is how I keep my passion alive. When I have to say "God, I need your help with this one because I'm not big enough to do it on my own." Without a few of these, I somehow don't feel fulfilled. But Why????? Why do I feel this way?
Over the last 4 years, God has shown me glimpses of what I can become. I'm very short on the details like how or when, but I can tell you where I'm headed. I have actual dreams about them that wake me in the middle of the night. I have folders full of papers of what these things look like. So maybe, just maybe, all of the wondering "what can I do next" is just apart of that download. Maybe it is something being planted in me that I might need in 20 years. I don't know WHY?
What I do know is that contentment AND ambition both are from God. So, yes, if I never receive another thing I would still be truly blessed. But I also know that I have this crazy drive, a strong passion, and a work ethic that are equal blessings. He has shown me things I can't just un-see and I feel things I can't un-feel now. So I have to continue to press onward towards who he has called me to be, and that is something much bigger than I am now.
So be thankful for where you are now, but at the same time, don't forget where your headed!